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From: MM (75.174.24.80)
Subject:         Re: mm
Date: September 8, 2014 at 10:00 pm PST

In Reply to: mm posted by Jonas Sunshine on September 8, 2014 at 5:13 pm:

You:

he seems upset and unable to offer me reflection
on what he heard.

Me:

El-bo has not studied NVC so of course he would
not have this skill. However you say you have
studied NVC and thus when someone gets triggered,
the response by you would be to give empathy and
reflect back the unmet need you heard instead of
judgments and advice giving? Or, you could
formulate this into an action request to get a
need met?

You:

thanks to him for his gift but i have no
obligation or duty to open them at this time

Me:

No, but you are not representing NVC by the way
you are dialogueing with him. I know El-bo's
heart and have known him online for several years
now and it appears you are purposely provoking a
response rather than genuinely trying to use NVC
skills to understand the heart which is in fact
what NVC is all about.

You:


glad i could offer feedback i realize many people
who come here come with a narrow focus of
retaliation

Me:

Again, that sounds like a judgment instead of
empathy.

You:
And feelings of lacking justice or unmet needs of
consistency

Me:

That sounds more like empathy

You:

or growth but if they could realize the current
doable things we have the power to , like give
and receive empathy and ask for people to make
the world a better place for us :)

Me:

How would they know this if it is not role-
modeled for them?

You:

el-bo has spoken that way towards me for over 4
years if he could make a break thru it would
start with him taking responsibility for his own
feelings thoughts and actions.

Me:

Here's where you can take responsibility. You are
needing more respect in your interaction with El-
bo. You are also needing skills in reflecting
back El-bo's frustrations at feeling judged and
not heard.

El-bo can also learn NVC but that may or may not
happen. Whether or not someone else learns NVC
does not change our behaviors and how we choose
to respond.

So, you can choose to either 1) not engage with
him or 2) learn new ways of engaging with him
that maintains your presence so that you do not
become triggered and are able to remain present
with his needs and feelings?

What needs and feelings of his do you feel may
not be getting met in his dialogue with you? Can
you reflect that back?

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