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|From: ||Clarissa Clark (184.108.40.206)
|Subject: ||Because you did, I will too, Lennie. A bit for Harley as well :) |
Date: || October 1, 2014 at 1:37 am PST|
Some of you may know me on here, as I used to post on here working as an
intern for Doug for several years. I worked with Luke Sartor, and he and I actually
dated most of our time studying under Doug. I actually was working the event
where Jane Muttis had died. I left that retreat feeling confused and yet spiritually
enlightened. We were all sort of told to keep it under wraps, and that it wasn't
due to the fast, she simply "Graduated" - Which i do believe. And it is hard to say
if she would have died or not the same day, same time had she not fasted. But
like Lennie said, it does seem quite illogical to NOT attribute the fast to the
I have also met Harley and Freelea, and loved them as people, yet was opposed
to their way of expressing their views at the time. I am actually in complete
alignment with them now, as they talk about what the big deal was eating a
vegan pizza :). I do believe, Harley, that you, Lennie, and I all left the diet and
the community for many reasons, but one reason stays the same, that diet is not
everything. Yet how we left were completely different from each other. And that
just depends on your personality. You decided to be vocal about it, that's fine.
Lennie decided to be humble and do what she felt she needed for her self at the
time. And she was probably like me, needing to take time, A LOT of time to
process what the hell just happened, and where the hell to go next. When we hit
moments like that, it's hard not to be private and introverted about it. Plus how
ever the reasons are expressed, nothing can ever be too late because every
moment has its time. It always has its most perfect time.
My sister's name is Samara Clark, and she is one of the silenced people that
attended many of Doug's retreats; of the same group of people Lennie spoke
about. Samara told me many stories of Lennie and Doug and the retreats that I
never could let myself understand at the time. I wanted to see the altruistic parts
of Doug, even if it meant berating myself in the process. He helped to break me
down in so many ways, yet I am at the same time grateful for the raw foundation
I was left to build upon afterwards.
My sister and Lennie were good friends, and I remember that was right around
the time Lennie was about to leave. I joined on board with Doug, shortly after
Lennie left. I tried to ask Doug directly about Lennie, but his response was vague
and empty. I had always went to my sister for what I felt, deep down, was the
truest perspective I could find. I remember her telling me that during the entire
retreat, she was in severe digestive pain and felt sick the entire time. She felt
neglected by Doug, and would turn to Lennie for advice and comfort in feeling
like someone understood her. She was told by Doug, on multiple accounts, that
if she stuck with the diet long enough she would get better. But she absolutely
hated the way 80/10/10 RV made her feet. Samara also told me that Lennie
believed that there is another way to health, and that influenced Samara to
follow her gut (excuse the pun) in living a low fat, high raw cooked vegan
lifestyle. And as much friendship and support Samara received from those
retreats, she vanished as completely as Lennie did.
When Lennie finally left, I heard it was so she could spend more time with her
husband. Which was probably true, but not the whole truth. What I heard from
my sister, was that Lennie did not and could not stand by Doug and his
recommendations any longer. That she was burnt out, physically and
emotionally. This was about the same time I had joined on board, not wanting to
believe what had happened with Lennie. I had the most amazing time in my life,
not seeing the inner workings of the retreats, and enjoying them as a young
teenager who felt like she had been reborn. I made so many lifelong friends, who
have changed me in the most profound ways. I have also contributed to much of
my knowledge and understanding about the human body to the information that
was taught and learned at every one of Doug's retreats.
There's so much good to it, yet I wish, like Lennie, that I could have seen only
that. I had many experiences that left me with such a horrible taste in my mouth,
and i will share one experience in detail now: This was my last year working with
FoodnSport, I worked at the fasting and internship retreat as the head chef and
kitchen coordinator. Which I was, by the way, told that I was going to be paid for
my services by FoodnSport, and NEVER saw a paycheck after 2+ months of work.
In fact, I had actually paid for my plane ticket round trip and didn't even have
So during one of the later weeks into the fasting internship, I was in charge of
leading a morning class during breakfast, from 8-9am, which Doug was almost
never present to. But when he was, he took it upon himself to lead the class and
invariably made the class run 20-45 minutes late. A few times he had them last
almost two hours, and this was all after I was told I needed to take control of the
classes because they're going over time. Yet I knew, and everyone else knew, that
I couldn't take control of the class, because Doug was the one in the driver's seat
whenever he was present; he was the one holding the class up. On one occasion,
during dinner, Doug had mentioned that he'd like an open discussion of any
complaints we had or any open discussion on improving how smooth the days
went with all that we had to do. I had mentioned, being the voice of many of the
interns, that I felt the classes needed to end on time. Insinuating that he's been
allowing them to run way over. He retorted, "well, then you need to end your
classes when they're supposed to end."
I was so dumfounded and hurt by this response, I literally bawled my eyes out in
hiding for three hours immediately afterwards, after feeling absolutely
humiliated. Knowing that everyone knew I couldn't control those classes when
Doug was in charge, even if I tried. I felt like I was being so used, being so taken
for granted, that I was replaceable. That my job was worth nothing to Doug, and
that even though I helped with so much, I felt it was never enough for Doug. He
even told me one day, that "Someday I may learn from you, that day has yet to
come" - basically establishing authoritative inequality between our professional
relationship, and that he knew more than I did about anything and everything.
I had some wonderful moments with Doug. He was like a father to me. He was
gentle, kind, and truly listened to me at times. But he has character issues, which
lead to extreme narcism and psychopathy tendencies. i do know him to be a very
empathic person, however he may have just learned HOW to show emotion,
without actually experiencing the emotions. These personality traits are very
common in people who assume power, for the greater good of all, yet secretly
damages the ones he loves most. Or rather, the ones who loved him the most. I
would never regret any moment I had with Doug or any of the people I met in
the raw food community. I highly cherish and love the moments I shared with so
many people. We all met because of Doug, but we don't have to stay together
because of Doug. This is a classic case of our mistake in listening to the
messenger, and missing the message.
I left after that retreat, shortly after Luke told me he was leaving. His departure is
what gave me the courage to do, what I had wanted to do. I also am like my
sister and Lennie, who pretty much disappeared with only giving a partial or
misconstrued version of the truth as to WHY I decided to withdraw. I attended
the Woodstock Fruit Festival in 2012, and was much more open minded to those
who did not believe in diet being the answer to solving health issues. I have now
come to realize that our physical world around us comprises of 0.01% of all the
reality we experience. The rest, is unseen. And diet is like 0.0001% of our entire
physical reality, therefore, it would have a very minimal effect on our bodies; if
we were harnessing the healing energy not from a minuscule source, but from
the vastness of the sources unseen using senses we can't explain. You could be
consuming the most perfect diet 24/7, and if you absolutely hated the way it
tasted, or experienced incredibly stressful events during that time, health issues
exactly like the ones we see today would be in full effect. You could change your
diet a million times, and nothing would change because what the root cause of
the issue is still not being addressed.
^^ And that's exactly why I think Doug's appearance of health is deteriorating.
Because of stress, and emotional imbalances in his life. I do believe that he
believes in the 80/10/10 diet wholeheartedly. But he overlooked how important
other things are. My sister actually experienced a much greater improvement in
health when she WASN'T following the 80/10/10 diet. She mixed components of
the diet with other ways of eating that was entirely intuitive on her part, but it
helped, and she's doing so much better now after 7 or some odd years.
I have also done much experimenting on my diet, and have found the closer to
mid-fat, high raw I go, the better I feel. However, I am into the ways of
developing health through spiritual and emotional healing. I don't focus on my
diet like I used to, obsessively. I have let go of my attachment to food, and
having to be perfect, that I have actually overcome many of my ailments as well,
JUST BY CHANGING MY MINDSET, and ridding myself of the things that were
hurting me. My association with FoodnSport was one of them. I would leave
Grant out of this, because he was the most kind, honest person I had ever met.
And I will always look to him in high regard. But he didn't then, and may not
now, understand or be willing to embrace, what is being said in conversation
here on vegsource, youtube, and other social media networks.
As for Doug:
Well, Roger Haeske said it best: He's simply human. And like any human, capable
of being forgiven. And I do forgive him, and I will continue to do so. And to take
it one step further, because I do not only forgive, but am so incredibly grateful
for the absolutely priceless lessons I went through due to your teachings, Doug.
We are all each other's mirror's, and you were one of my greatest mirrors. You
helped me see things in myself that I never would have looked at, had you not
been so caustic and unapologetic at times. I will always hold what I learned at
every one of your retreats in such high regard. However, I take full responsibility
for what I learned. Because I also learned, how to hear the message, while
overlooking the messenger. And that could have only been done for so long,
until it was time I moved on to bigger, and better things.
so much love,
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